Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Horrible Horror #06 - Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning (1985)





((Crap - I really didn't want THAT to be the display pic... but I can't seem to do dick about it))

Heyooo! Here's the latest review for all of you! This time we tackle one of the really big boys in the slasher genre, none other than Jason Voorhees himself. Sure, his movies aren't exactly high art, but at least most of them are entertaining for fans of the subgenre... well, except for a few, this atrocity being one of them.


I am really happy with how this came out, personally - now I can only wait for all the Michael Jackson fans who still aren't over the guy to grab their torches and their pitchforks and chase me off the internet.

Not much to say - I just really like this episode, and I hope you do too!

Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning is (C) Paramount Pictures

- Stay Scared

Monday, December 14, 2009

Recommendation Round #01 - Christmas





Whussap people! Esh is here once again to tell you what to think, this time to inform you about a bunch of christmas horror movies that you should watch in our very first edition of the Recommendation Round!

There's not much to say, really - again, when I slup up words or there is a slight grammatical error, it is simply because this is pretty much unscripted, and english IS after all my second language - even I, the otherwise perfect Esh, makes the occasional mistake here and there.

No one should take offense to me mentioning that "almost every character in Santa's Slay is played by jews", by the way - I am just stating the fact that many jewish actors are in it, such as wrestler Bill Goldberg playing Santa, which I somehow managed to forget mentioning in the video. Ah well.

Still working hard on the next videos - the busy month of December has not exactly made it easy to get some work done, but the next episode should be up on Christmas Day, so consider it a present from me... even if it's really no different from any other time.

Anyway, until next time, peace out and have a happy December.

Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

Jack Frost is (C) Moonstone Entertainment
Silent Night Deadly Night 2 is (C) Silent Night Releasing Corporation

-Stay Scared

Monday, November 30, 2009

Recently Seen Horror #03 - Feast (2005)



Welcome to another round of Recently Seen, where I give my two cents about Feast, one heck of a fun monster movie.

Not much to say - I am hard at work at Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning, and working on a reccomendation video for some fun christmas horror films to watch in December - come January, however, I will be moving, and I have no idea what form the show will take from there, so there may be a short hiatus. But these next few videos are going to be the last time you see my brightly colored closets behind me.

I don't know why my microphone decided to record this in such low quality and scratch up my voice so much - sorry about that.

Notice that all episodes now have blip.tv players! No more cutting off the review to see several parts! That is, except for Episode #04, the Dusk till Dawn 2 review, which Blip just won't accept for some reason - I am working on figuring out why.

Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

Feast is (C) Dimension Films

-Stay Scared

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Horrible Horror #05 - Halloween: Resurrection (2002)



Well, I didn't manage to release it on Halloween as hoped, but at least it only took a week after that to get it up - you'll have to excuse the opening, since I had SO planned on releasing this October 31st... and the fact that it was the first time I have ever actually done anything special about it being Halloween here in Denmark.

This episode is by far the longest - I think primarily because of the introduction where I attempt to give an (admittedly VERY brief) summary of the Halloween series just to give the viewers an idea of what it is we are dealing with - to think that such a great series could end with something this ridicilous - at least until the almost equally ridicilous sequel and it's sequel. Ah well, at least Mikey got a break for five years after this one.

And since Windows Movie Maker has been pissing me off all day today and causing me one technical problem after another, I have FINALLY gotten myself a new program with which to make the next video - hopefully, that will improve on a LOT of things.

Next up is another entry in another very popular franchise - I will be reviewing Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning! So stay tuned for that!

Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

Halloween: Resurrection is (C) Dimension Films

-Stay Scared

Thursday, November 5, 2009

No Recently Seen Videos - Instead, text reviews!

Yeah, I seem to be completely unable to keep promises lately, but everything just keeps piling up on me.

So rather than Recently Seen videos about Zombieland and Trick 'R Treat, here's two brief text reviews for you to read - On the bright side, Halloween: Resurrection is close to finished and will DEFINETELY be up tomorrow for your enjoyment. And then I will try to get a review of Friday the 13th Part 5 - A New Beginning done - such a frustrating drop in quality after the fun that is the first four.

But anyway- here's my reviews.

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Zombieland

"It's time nut up or shut up!"

A young man with a phobia for practically everything thinks he is the only normal human left in the zombie-infested USA... until he runs into the Twinkie-loving, badass zombie killer who calls himself Tallahasse, as we follow them on the road through out what is now known as Zombieland, and they are accompanied by two cunning young girls...

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It just doesn't get any cooler than this!

Holy shit this is without a doubt one of the most surpremely awesome films ever - it's plowed its way straight into my list of Awesome Movies that would be great for a marathon with the guys and a shitload of beer - Right up there with Dusk till Dawn, Tremors and Predator.

But Zombieland is COMPLETELY different than those three - it is a brilliant comedy that not only dances around knee deep in clich├ęs but somehow manages to dodge them elegantly all the same. With a great cast and a fantastic script that clearly shows a deep-rooted love for zombie-movies and humor of the A-class, Zombieland is a little comedic masterpiece that stands up like a mountain in the horizon. Watching this in the theater was amazing, no matter how small the room was.

It was one of the funniest and one of the coolest movies I have ever seen - it has balls the size of Barcelona, and it knows how to entertain! So find your beers, find a bag of chips and a couple of guys, and you're in for a ride!

5 / 5 . I was incredibly entertained!

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Trick 'R Treat

"You should be careful. There are rules."

Five stories happen on Halloween in a local town... reminding all to stick by the rules and remember the reasons this holiday is celebrated in the first place, thanks to the pint-sized, mysterious Trick or Treater known only as Sam.

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The fact that this movie has been sitting on the shelf at Warner Bros. for two years without a theatrical release, only to get a straight-to-DVD release after so long is nothing short of a crime against humanity.

I love anthology-horror films such as Creepshow, and Trick 'R Treat is without a doubt the best of them. Whereas Creepshow is a very fun and entertaining movie with boatloads of talent behind the wheels, it is a product of its time, of a low budget and of frustratingly low scare-value.. Trick 'R Treat, on the other hand, has a high production value and a timeless approach to the concept of Halloween, jampacked with an amazing cast, script and directing. This movie is nothing shotr of gorgeous in just about every shot.

All five stories are great with less predictable twists than you'd usually see, and unlike other anthology movies that tell their stories individually only with a wrap-around-story that tries to explain why we are being told more than one story, all of Trick 'R Treats stories take place at the same time at the same town, and this is executed amazingly well with a comic book-style approach, and the movie going in a great circle, ending where it started.

This movie is genuinely scary when it wants to be, but is still not afraid to include some dark humor, though avoiding stepping into the realms of self-parody that some movies tend to do - and yet also without going over the top with the otherwise merciless gore. It's a brilliantly crafted film of many tales, and deserves to be seen by anyone who appreciates a good scare... as well as anyone who appreciates a generally good movie.

Another 5 / 5. God it was great.

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Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

-Stay Scared

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Crap!

So. Today is Halloween. And you have without a doubt already noticed the complete and utter lack of video here.

Well, the thing is, I only HAD like a week to work on the Halloween: Resurrection review. And I had set those days aside just for that, to work like a horse and get it done. But wouldn't you know I just didn't get the chance either way? I constantly had to go somewhere, help out with the painting of our living room and go to a very important job interview for a job I might not even get - and all this results in me with nothing to show on Halloween, despite my longing to finish something on a deadline for once and be on time with the holiday.

All I can say to those reading this who were waiting is sorry! Sorry it is not here on Halloween - it's downright sad that a horror review series cannot manage to do SOMETHING on Halloween and it annoys me endlessly.

The one thing I CAN do is this: seeing as I AM going to a Halloween party tonight and I AM going to see both Zombieland and Trick 'R Treat, I WILL put up a Recently Seen of the two tomorrow.

As for the Halloween: Resurrection review - it will be made. It will take a couple of days, but it will be here - it will just be late.

So once again, sorry about the lack of a review today, and happy Halloween regardless of it.

Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

-Stay Scared

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Horrible Horror #04 - From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999)



What ho! Horrible Horror is finally back after countless setbacks, such as vacations, breaking microphones and generally being busy! And thus, uncle Esh finally brings to you the review of the most disappointing sequel imaginable to one of the awesomest movies that exist on this planet - name From Dusk till Dawn!

There is not much to say this time around, other than yet again apologizing for the immense time it took to make this. Next up is Halloween: Resurrection in order to celebrate the opcoming Halloween - but I will admit that I can't quite guarantee one hundred percent that it will be up on the actual date, much as that annoys me. But still, I will do everything I can.

For now, enjoy From Dusk till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money in all its disappointing glory.

Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

From Dusk till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money is (C) Dimension Films

-Stay Scared

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Just a quick video update




Hey, people, just throwing up a quick video update to explain to you all why the next review is taking so long.


Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

(MOVIE) is (C) (COMPANY)

-Stay Scared

Sunday, September 20, 2009

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!


"GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!"

Your dear old Uncle Esh has FINALLY been able to get his hands on a new microphone, so reviews should start again soon. Not only that, but I have also been able to finally get my old external hard drive fixed, meaning I can now once again review Devon's Ghost, which has been on hold for MONTHS. I am not sure WHEN I will do it, but now you know it's coming for real!

So what's in the future for Horrible Horror? Like I've already said, stay tuned for a review of From Dusk till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money, which will be the next one, and some time in the future, I will present to you my personal Top 10 Funniest Slasher Kills. I still have tons of movies ready for reviewing, so I assure you I won't exactly run out of material.

So stay tuned for more Horrible Horror soon!


Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

-Stay Scared

Friday, August 28, 2009

Okay, people - I know I'm like a month late, and I DON'T have an episode ready - but I have just had a lot of busy times, I have been tired as shit (and I also blame the Beta for Champions Online).

But just yesterday when I actualyl wanted to record, it seemed that I have problems with the inbuilt mic on my computer - the left track of it simply just produces noise - this is particularly odd considering that I never changed the settings even a bit. So the episode MIGHT have to wait till I get my hands on a different microphone, much to my annoyance.

But never fear - I WILL Get you the Texas Blood Money review - that movie is too bad not to be ripped to pieces.


Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

-Stay Scared

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Back from Vacation!

Hey, guys, I am now back from my vacation. The festival was freaking awesome, and I will post some pictures later for you to enjoy.

Okay, so I've been back since sunday, but I needed a day or two to rest up (and the fact that I was hoarse after the concerts PLUS I just got a cold has more or less destroyed my voice for a bit).


The good news is I can now announce that the next review will be of one of the most disppointing sequels ever, to one of the most awesome movies ever - I'll be reviewing From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money.

I plan to write a couple of reviews in advance while waiting for my voice to heal - and in the near future, I will treat you to a little list of my personal Top 10 Funniest Slasher Movie Kills.
So, I hope you're looking forward to it - I know I am.


Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

-Stay Scared

Friday, July 31, 2009

Horrible Horror Episode #03 - The Unborn (2009)



Hello there, peeps. Uncle Esh is back for another round of Horrible Horror, JUST in time before he goes on his vacation! Yes, that's right, for the next week there is gonna be nothing but booze and concerts and sleeping in a tent with a pal at the lovely danish Skanderborg Festival, and it's gonna be freaking awesome!

In the meantime, you can hopefully entertain yourself watching Episode 3 of Horrible Horror, where I level the playing field a bit by reviewing a new, mainstream, big-budget film to show you just how much they can suck even in comparison to the old films I have dug out.

Note that this means it will take an extra week before the next review - hell, to be honest, I haven't even decided which one to review next! BUT I will get to work as soon as I come home.

You may note how this is a few minutes longer than my other reviews (resulting in me having to split it in three parts) - frankly, I was on a roll when I wrote this. I just kept coming up with ideas, and I couldn't bring myself to cut out even one of them. It was tough, but now it's here - one of the most sadly wasted horror film concepts since Boogeyman (which I WILL get to at a later point! What a turd of a movie!)


Also, stick around for the end of the credits. There may be a surprise for you...

Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

The Unborn is (C) Rogue Pictures and Platinum Dunes

-Stay Scared

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Recently Seen Horror - Happy Birthday To Me (1981)





Hey everybody - here's a little "Recently Seen" horror review to keep you occupied while I work on my The Unborn review. Since I turned 20 a week ago, I figured it would be fitting to talk about the immensely fun 1981 slasher flick "Happy Birthday To Me".

I do apologize for how slowly I work with these - but it is both because of my limited resources (Windows Movie Maker crashing constantly does make me tear out a few hairs) and the fact that I spend three hours every day just riding a train to and from work. But it'll get here, I promise.

For now, enjoy this quick review - and go check out the movie if I've somehow managed to make you interested in it.




Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

Happy Birthday To Me is (C)
Columbia Picutres Corporation and CFDC (Canadian Film Development Corporation)

-Stay Scared

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Horrible Horror Episode #02 - Berserker: The Nordic Curse (1987)



Another month after the update and Drag Me To Hell review, I finally found time to finish episode 2 - Berserker: Nordic Curse, a terrible Viking-themed Slasher from 1987. To think that something as awesome as vikings (This is the Dane speaking, people) could be botched so much.

I was supposed to review Devon's Ghots for my second episode - but the copy I have just wouldn't seem to work, and I am having trouble finding a new one. So instead of leaving people hanging even longer, I decided to do this one.

You may notice the sound is a little lower - but that is the consequence of recording in a proper quality with the poor equipment I possess - you're probably gonna have to turn up your speakers.

Hope you enjoy the second episode. Next up, a far more recent, but just as terrible movie: THE UNBORN

Berserker is (C) Shapiro Entertainment

- Stay scared

Update + Recently Seen Horror - Drag Me To Hell (2009)



Shortly after my first video was made and I was preparing the Devon's Ghost review, my computer crashed, and it took a month to get things back on track - this video was made to update, as I was hosting my videos on the forum at and I wanted to let people know that I was not dead - while talking about "Drag Me To Hell" which I had seen a few days earlier.

The cuts and my mistakes in both grammar and my pausing is because this is largely unscripted. Which is sort of the point of these mini-videos. I wanted there to be a few video clips, but my computer wouldn't have it. It also because of my computer acting odd that the sound gets a little weird when a picture shows up - I have no idea how to fix this. Sorry.

Drag Me To Hell is (C) Universal Pictues and Ghost House Pictures

-Stay Scared

Horrible Horror Episode #01 - Offerings (1989)




This is the first episode I did of the show, way back in May 2009. As you can see, the quality is low - I still only work with an inbuilt camera in my laptop, and at this time I had not quite yet figured out the microphone and the camcorder, resulting in some choppy editing and low sound quality - but it is still what I like to think of as a wonderfully funny review of a terrible Halloween-ripoff.

Also, you will have to deal with some accent, what with my being Danish (Scandinavian / European for the more geography-blind folks) and all.

For now, simply enjoy the first episode of Horrible Horror. I hope you like it. OR I WILL SLAUGHTER YOU ALL.



Remember, you can always send me suggestions for videos at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

Offerings is (C) Arista Films

-Stay Scared

Welcome to Horrible Horror

Hello to all of you, and welcome to Horrible Horror - where I put my life on the line for your entertainment!

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This blog will be used to collect episodes of my new video review series. What is it about? Well, Horrible Horror.

I figured that I might as well share a little fascination I have with horror films... preferably of the B-variety. I am a big fan of various "bad" horror films, and I can usually find quite a few redeeming qualities, for an example by taking things such as budget and time constraints into accountThis is the first of a new video series I am going to do.I figured that I might as well share a little fascination I have with horror films... preferably of the B-variety. I am a big fan of various "bad" horror films, and I can usually find quite a few redeeming qualities, for an example by taking things such as budget and time constraints into account. That, and they just amuse the hell out of me. But in this series, I will go over the very very worst I can think of.

At least, that is the main meat of the show - comedic reviews of bad, bad, bad horror movies. But there will also be various other aspects of the show:

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Recently Seen Horrors

These mini-videos are reviews of film I have recently seen and wish to talk about - be they bad or good, new or old - for whichever reason I may have in mind. Basically, these will largely be me giving my opinion of a movie I find particularly interesting or worth saying a few words about in a largely unscripted and simple format. They will mostly consist of me talking, followed by the occasional clip or picture, and are not as entirely focused on comedy as the main reviews.

Horrible Horror - Recommendation Rounds

These are videos I will make where I decide to talk about a specific, popular theme in horror films - an example would be Evil Clowns. These are not necessarily based on historical facts even if they may include some - the basic idea of THESE videos are to tell you, the viewer, about the theme itself, and me giving my analysis of why I think this particular theme is used as often (or rarely) as it is and give a few examples. At the end of the video, I will recommend a couple of films fitting the theme that I personally find particularly good.

TOP 10

What kind of reviewer would I be without occasionally making Top 10 lists?
These speak for themselves - whenever I make a top 10 list, I gather what I consider to be the ten best within a particular theme or subject. With a genre as subjective as horror, however, I will not claim to make it any sort of 'official' list - I am but a fan, and no expert in the field, and with horror being as varied a genre as it is, I would have no right to choose which are the greatest. Instead, they will be personal lists of what I consider to be the ten best - wether it be kills, monsters, plotlines, whatever.

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So that's the basic gist of the show. You are more than welcome to e-mail me suggestions for movies you would like me to review at Eshbaalauthr@gmail.com

And to all you Horror Fans out there, I can only say:

Stay tuned, and Stay Scared!


-Eshbaal